While walking this morning I realized I actually have too many thoughts on which I want to write about. I think this is because I set aside less time to write and I have been engaging life more. I look at this as good. The main theme of my many thoughts is around holding the space of survivorship, or recovery post cancer treatment.
When I was first diagnosed, I had a wise person say to me, "You are just taking a walk beside cancer for a short while, don't let it take over your life." This is so true. I know in the depths of treatment last summer I felt like all my decisions and ways of being were influenced by my health issues. As the lengthy treatment became less demanding I started focusing on more of what I want. Now that treatment is basically done (except Tamoxifen which I am to be on for 5 years) I am really trying to re-engage life. I am starting to part ways with cancer, but the disengagement is slow. I think this is what survivorship is. The struggle between re-engaging life and disengaging the "walk with cancer" as cancer (treatment) tends to have such a strong presence.
Somehow, I thought, despite seeing several family members' struggles with cancer treatment, that after I finished the bulk of treatment I would somehow be at a better energy level by now. I thought that I could just jump right into my old life somehow, but it doesn't work that way. Somehow while walking with cancer I ended up on a different path. Not entirely different from before, but the path changed. I look at how I spend my time differently, I look at my health differently, I want to shift the work I do to use the knowledges I have gained in the past few years to help others. These are changes for sure. I hope they are better changes that will create an even more enriching and balanced life.
The other thing about survivorship is that I look "great" according to people around me and "you would never know that you are a cancer survivor". Somehow this lends itself to thinking that it is time to get right back to where one left off prior to diagnosis. But it's not that easy. Take this past fun and enjoyable weekend. There was a pool birthday party; time with my folks; taking in Buskerfest; learning to make home-made gnocchi with my mom-in-law; meals with friends and family, so I didn't even cook, I just drove my son and myself around to the various outings. I know I slept solidly each night; and many friends would say anyone would be tired after so much activity. But honestly, I know I am exhausted today and likely going to sleep for a good portion of today. It's a tricky balance. I want to live life fully and offer a lot of variety and richness to my son's life; and then there is what I notice I can handle... and likely the responsibility of work, as I know the return will come soon, is really going to challenge the balance I want.
I suspect many cancer survivors feel this way. I know in early summer, of the other women I met through the Rethink Breast Cancer group, three of the women went back to work early for various reasons. I know all three reported they should have taken their time to go back and not rush into things. I am trying to heed this advice and not worry about the return to work, nor overthink things. I know there are changes I want to make as I re-engage in life and I think about my work life quite a bit. However I know I should not rush things. This is again, one of the challenges of survivorship, how to pace oneself and give yourself permission to take your time. Just because I envisioned myself having better energy and being more fully back into the activities I immerse myself in, does not mean I need to be there. More importantly I am trying to be in the moment: not to overthink the future nor dwell in the past.
When I was first diagnosed, I had a wise person say to me, "You are just taking a walk beside cancer for a short while, don't let it take over your life." This is so true. I know in the depths of treatment last summer I felt like all my decisions and ways of being were influenced by my health issues. As the lengthy treatment became less demanding I started focusing on more of what I want. Now that treatment is basically done (except Tamoxifen which I am to be on for 5 years) I am really trying to re-engage life. I am starting to part ways with cancer, but the disengagement is slow. I think this is what survivorship is. The struggle between re-engaging life and disengaging the "walk with cancer" as cancer (treatment) tends to have such a strong presence.
Somehow, I thought, despite seeing several family members' struggles with cancer treatment, that after I finished the bulk of treatment I would somehow be at a better energy level by now. I thought that I could just jump right into my old life somehow, but it doesn't work that way. Somehow while walking with cancer I ended up on a different path. Not entirely different from before, but the path changed. I look at how I spend my time differently, I look at my health differently, I want to shift the work I do to use the knowledges I have gained in the past few years to help others. These are changes for sure. I hope they are better changes that will create an even more enriching and balanced life.
The other thing about survivorship is that I look "great" according to people around me and "you would never know that you are a cancer survivor". Somehow this lends itself to thinking that it is time to get right back to where one left off prior to diagnosis. But it's not that easy. Take this past fun and enjoyable weekend. There was a pool birthday party; time with my folks; taking in Buskerfest; learning to make home-made gnocchi with my mom-in-law; meals with friends and family, so I didn't even cook, I just drove my son and myself around to the various outings. I know I slept solidly each night; and many friends would say anyone would be tired after so much activity. But honestly, I know I am exhausted today and likely going to sleep for a good portion of today. It's a tricky balance. I want to live life fully and offer a lot of variety and richness to my son's life; and then there is what I notice I can handle... and likely the responsibility of work, as I know the return will come soon, is really going to challenge the balance I want.
I suspect many cancer survivors feel this way. I know in early summer, of the other women I met through the Rethink Breast Cancer group, three of the women went back to work early for various reasons. I know all three reported they should have taken their time to go back and not rush into things. I am trying to heed this advice and not worry about the return to work, nor overthink things. I know there are changes I want to make as I re-engage in life and I think about my work life quite a bit. However I know I should not rush things. This is again, one of the challenges of survivorship, how to pace oneself and give yourself permission to take your time. Just because I envisioned myself having better energy and being more fully back into the activities I immerse myself in, does not mean I need to be there. More importantly I am trying to be in the moment: not to overthink the future nor dwell in the past.
