Just Being Home-made

The past couple of weeks my days have been full.  I find I have been spending a lot of time just being.  That doesn’t mean that I am in a permanent state of meditation, nor am I glued to the television watching daytime talk shows (although that has occurred a few times after overextending myself).

I decided to really embrace the acts of creativity that I used to relish.  This wave of creativity started with deciding to make my son’s Halloween costume, then making home-made Christmas cards and home-made birthday cards.  I am pondering some Christmas gifts that are home-made too.

On the thought of home-made, I recently, successfully, made my own yogurt.  I have been exploring various natural/low chemical cleaning options for my home and for my self care.  Recently I tried a yogurt, witch hazel, oatmeal cleanser and another moisturizer/make up remover consisting of grapeseed oil, betacarotene tablets and lavender essential oil.  Interestingly enough, friends have recently commented on my skin looking great. (recipes found through the Marilyn Denis show http://www.marilyn.ca/Beauty/Segment.aspx/Daily/October2011/10_21_2011/FallSkin2). So perhaps this is a good change.  It certainly is chemical-free, which has been a big motivator.

On the home cleaning front, I have now been making my own laundry detergent since summer (Borax, washing soda and a bar of laundry soap ground up in my food processor), have found a decent “natural” stain remover, and have been cleaning with natural products around the house (mostly white vinegar, baking soda and/or borax).  The most difficult to replicate has been dishwasher detergent, but I have found a great detergent at my local health food store that cleans as well as the liquid brand name stuff, only no phosphates and other concerning chemicals.  My rinse aid is white vinegar. The other home-made product that I have used successful for a couple of years is a shower cleaner of water, hydrogen peroxide and tree tea oil... my shower curtain is still stain-free after two years. Of which, I’ll mention that tea tree oil is a natural disinfectant.

As I review what I have written today, I think that I am not just being, but have come to some new ways of being.  Definitely welcome changes in my life.

Kindness

It seems kindness has highlighted my past few days.

On Friday I watched the documentary Finding Kindness. This is a movie exploring the “mean girl” phenomena.  The beginning of the movie says something along the lines of a woman can "stab" with a look, she doesn't need a knife. I think all women know exactly what this look is. The Finding Kindness movie is examining how most, if not all females have experienced some sort of bullying, emotional abuse, “in/out” behaviour  (gossip, rumours) or some sort of emotional daggers by other females at some point. Further, Finding Kindness suggests rather than trying to deconstruct the complex web that reinforces this mistreatment of each other, that we could all make change by embracing being kind.  More about this may be found at www.kindcampaign.com

Really, kindness and promoting kindness is not just for shifting girls’ behaviour, kindness can shift one’s inner world. If we all strive for kindness there can be changes in our outer world. Today I went to a Buddhist temple with a few other friends for meditation and prayers for world peace. The nun leading the proceedings spoke on kindness and how kindness is relational and the basis of the qualities of love, compassion and joy.

When I reflect on how kindness has played in my life, I think kindness has helped me survive in these complicated times in my life.  Kindness of others has provided the support throughout these tough times. Kindness to myself has allowed me to have ease and relinquish the perfectionism that guided the (perhaps misguided) vision for my life prior to all the chaos; kindness has deepen love in my life; kindness and understanding has extinguished fires that created tensions in relationships.  I’m sure I could create a longer list, but I think my point is clear, that kindness has been part of the underpinning of my survival.  Finding kindness in everyday activities to be grateful about and being mindful of creating my own acts of kindness daily makes all the difference.

My wish is that each of us can find kindness each day.

On Grief

Grief is an awing process.  In some ways it never stops.  Yet grief is also memories; good memories of my relationship with another person who enriched my life. Today, I felt that heart-stopping gasp of pain? Sorrow? The chasm of a love(r) removed from my heart? Whose pain lingers for the rest of the day after its arrival. I feel this periodically, no longer every day. It still takes me by suprise although it’s presence is as familiar as an old friend.  A simple conversation with family about what we recall about our loved one who has left our physical world but remains alive in our hearts and memories; a conversation that has occurred countless times in these walls, however this time, not the first or last I’m sure, the tears well up unexpectedly even though I have had these conversations without tears before. I wonder why today?  Today was a glorious fall day, with lots of fun and frolic with my son.  Today had great ideas and conversations shared with friends. Today was full of love and joy. Perhaps today is reflective of much of the time I spent with my husband - how we lived together. I know it isn’t a significant anniversary.  Curious the way grief holds the heart and when it provokes a greater emotional expression.

All in the Timing

The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of activity. With Halloween, I spent a large number of hours making a dragon costume for my son.  It looked great and I think he had a lot of fun, and now has lots of candy in his trick-or-treat pumpkin.  There have been a lot of social activities and a spattering of medical/paramedical appointments. Pacing my days seems to be a challenge.  I think I have planned/managed my time, but then again, I find I have over extended myself.

I decided to visit a friend out of town, deliberately planning to drive in the mornings as I have more energy then and could rest with my son during his afternoon nap time (thankfully he still naps). I didn’t realize how tired I would feel after the few days away.  I found that after I was exhausted for days.  Ultimately I have figured out at this point in time I can’t really handle more than one appointment, event or activity per day, and I still need a two hour nap.

I’ve been looking at my energy like a glass of water.  Every day that I have a decent night’s rest I start with a full glass. Sometimes I don’t start with a full glass because my son has woken up in the middle of the night or I have a busy brain and have not settled down to sleep as well as I could. Each activity uses some of the water in the glass until it is almost empty and then my nap is a refill.  This analogy has been used with as a candy jar on the Livestrong/Oncolink Care Plan website. Even though I have started to do a little jog or exercise, this does not re-energize me as before, it takes a certain amount of energy and has to be weighed carefully as every other activity.  Over-extending myself may initially result in an abundance of fun and enjoyment of activities and outings I love to do, but then I need to set aside time the following days to recoup afterwards.

This is the most obvious change since treatment.  It is strange, but really the treatments have changed my body in many ways.  And, I don’t know if it will be permanent or passing.  Recently I noticed I bruise, cut easily, my veins are more difficult to access with needles, in general, my body’s been delicate since treatments. This creates a whole new level of needing to be cautious.  I may feel I can just go back to activities the way I would prior to the cancer treatments, but I am finding this s not so.  There are the obvious results of cancer treatment (the hair loss including lashes and brows – now growing in quite well), the side-effects from treatments and so forth, but there seems to be a whole layer of subtle changes that doctors don’t really share (especially before one embarks on these intense treatments) that can exist months, possible years or permanently after treatment. Like my finger tips and toes remain numb and that should clear up within the year, but may not. Then there are the drugs that probably cause infertility, which many younger woman arrange to have eggs harvested and frozen so they can try from pregnancy later, even though pregnancy later in life is a risk factor to breast cancer.

What all this musing leads to is again, relating to being present in the moment.  Can I live fully in the moment not comparing to what I was able to do prior to treatment?  Can I build myself up to be even healthier, with stress better managed, being in the moment.  Truly, as Thich Nhat Hahn writes ”with every in breath and every out breath we each are different.” In a moment, our world can be different, sometime greatly: for example with my husband’s last breath, my, and my family’s worlds were changed dramatically; or minimally: with the breath I breathe in this moment, I am digesting my breakfast and something changes within my body, although, perhaps undetectable by me. I hope in being in the moment, I can stop looking at what was, or how my body was, and start being what I need today.