almost done!!

Just a little update to say I am almost done radiation.  Somehow the daily commute to radiation treatments; a little boy who was almost toilet trained now having accidents daily; and the growing tiredness - well I haven't had much time to write. The good thing is that radiation is almost over - two days left. More, hopefully by the end of the week.

I'm not fighting, I'm living

Another blog, by another breast cancer survivor, that I occasionally read has made the point that one does not fight cancer, rather, one treats cancer and the treatments work (or not) to varying degrees. Further, cancerous cells always exist in our bodies; they are simply our regular cells that have not responded to the natural "die" functions that our body gives. It is our body's natural abilities to stop unnatural cell growth that prevents tumors from developing and us being diagnosed with cancer. Beyond this, if one dies of cancer, it is implied that they didn't give a good enough fight.  Fighting cancer is like saying I am fighting my own body. I tend to think I am attempting to engage my body/soul/self in it's best way of being; no matter what the outcome (although I feel unprepared to check out of life at this point and I know the timing is not my choosing) I am living my life the fullest I can. Rather than hijack someone else's blog, I'd like to share the article that she included in her blog about Jack Layton and cancer from the Globe & Mail by Carly Weeks : http://m.theglobeandmail.com/life/health/new-health/conditions/cancer/jack-layton-didnt-lose-a-fight-he-died-of-cancer/article2137736/?service=mobile

The day that music died

Although a line from the song 'American Pie'; somewhere before my husband actually died, I stopped playing piano. Further, I stopped loving music and no longer listened/paid attention to music. For the non-music lover, this may not be so remarkable. However I love music. 

Music is in my soul.  I breathed music as a teen, having music accompany me for every waking hour of my day – and I still can name songs I liked within a couple of notes and can sing the lyrics all these years later. I took years of piano lessons, learned to play recorder then flute in school. It was my refuge for expressing emotion for many years. As an adult I would relax from a trying day by playing familiar pieces on piano. I was teaching myself jazz to accompany one of my friends who sings. My husband and I invested in a digital piano as a joint Christmas gift one year.

So, imagine the realization that I am no longer listening to music – or liking music. Further, when I start to play piano I start crying – it hurts my heart too much.  At this point I could only listen to radio as selecting as song I liked from my vast cd collection seemed just not interesting – or more likely too painful for my ears.  I recognize now this was one of the ways I was grieving.

Slowly I started to hear new music that would appeal to me.  I think, listening primarily to CBC (the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation – public radio), I started to relate to a song – ‘Heartbroken’ by Canadian Meaghan Smith. This evolved to other songs of heartache that I started to be able to listen to, then sing.  I started to try playing my beloved piano again. Not very frequently, mind you. And teaching myself something new – I wasn’t quite ready for that.

Now, two and a half years later, I am finally able to play songs that I can tell my son; your daddy liked this piece. I am actually singing along to songs I loved at one point in my life and are full of memories.  I am finding out about new bands. I am teaching myself new pieces. And with the impetus of my uncle, I think I’m going to try and teach myself guitar (my uncle gave me his old guitar with a fingering book).

I think I can now say that music is alive. As I write that I take a deep breath and sigh, finally. In many ways my emotional life has been connected to music.  It stuns me to reflect that I have been so disconnected from music for so long.  At the same time, I believe my reconnection to music is a reflection of the healing I have done, and my emotional readiness to really engage life fully again.

For Love or Fear

I have been wondering about whether to keep this blog anonymous.  There are reasons to share my blog more openly. I am thinking about shifting my therapy work to be more focused on working with cancer patients at their families, if possible.  I would not want to do this full time, for it to encompass that much of my life, but I do feel I have a lot of knowledge and experience to share and give to others. If I do more within the “cancer community”, certainly having a blog of my experiences could be useful.  There is also another potential project I’m starting to become involved in, about sharing my life process/experience in a more open public way, so having my blog attached to my name could be a good idea. My original reasons for keeping the blog anonymous were fear based.  I didn’t know what family would think; I didn’t want my work to know how I was perceiving all of my life; I don’t want the information I present here to be used against me (i.e. future work or otherwise).

Regardless of whether blog anonymity is helpful or a barrier, I am realizing this is another element of letting fear control my life.  I am starting to re-evaluate how I see my life and what I deem important.  I am re-evaluating my decision-making.  It could be as simple as telling myself that my bills “should” or “need” to be paid.  How about owning this more and not feeling like it is a burden? “should” and “need” certainly imply bill paying is a burden.  I want to pay my bills.  Really I do. Besides maintaining a decent credit rating; how else do I keep a home that I love, my car insured, on line services for posting this blog?  I want to have these things or be able to do certain things; then I want to support all aspects of each.

As part of this process, I am questioning my motives for anonymity.  I don’t want to be making decisions out of fear; rather I prefer to make decisions out of love.  Love for others, love of what I am doing, love for myself.  I tend to approach most of my relationships and my work in an open manner; not necessarily revealing all and not having any boundaries, but to allow things to be shared without disguise, or if I don’t feel comfortable revealing; to share that frankly.

As I write this entry tonight, I think I have resolved the anonymity question, for now.  I think I am uncomfortable with being easily judged for my experiences right now, a level of vulnerability that I feel with still actively receiving cancer treatments. However I do think when it feels right I will be writing under my given name.

Radiation & Prayer

Last week I started radiation.  It's seems like nothing in some ways yet I know the side effects are cumulative. Not relishing this may occur as I am still working through ongoing side effects from chemotherapy.  I'm trying to make this experience as positive as possible. Initially I imagined the radiation to include some visible rays of light - which it doesn't. So rather than visualizing in an imaginative way I have found myself reciting a prayer that was given to me to give to my husband when he was ill.  It goes as follows:

Divine light shine in me.

Divine life permeate and (heal) every atom of my being.

I am the resurrection of Life.

Heal is in brackets as I added that word to the original prayer.

Prayer is found in research to be associated with better outcomes in comparison to those who do not engage spiritual practise.  As many who know me, they would say I am not a religious person.  I do not engage in organized religion (as in attending church on a regular basis); however I do believe in a High Power/ the Universe/the Cosmos as having some divine direction that impacts us all and connects us all.

Let us look deeply at a wave in the ocean. It lives its life of a wave, but it lives the life of water at the same time. If the wave were able to turn toward itself and touch its substance, which is water, then it would be able to attain nonfear. The wave does not have to search for water, because water is the very substance of the wave. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh, No Death, No Fear

 

As I journey on this complicated and path of my life (at this point) I continue to hold onto the thought that all will be well in the end and that I am not on this journey without some reason that will develop further growth within. I always have been a firm believer that I experience Life for further development of myself and to share myself with others for our shared growth.  Of course there is a tiny little piece of me that questions my beliefs and rages at my circumstances.  However I hope my beliefs are not for naught; as my life continues to evolve I hope it continues to reinforce my view of the Cosmos.